Transmutation for Resilience
by Cooked Sashimi
Summary: -Slight AU- It is said that admiration is the state farthest from understanding... because what you see is trivial when you can take a shinobi out of ANBU but can never take ANBU out of a shinobi. Tentative SakuraxSai


**I do not own Naruto**

**Warning: rated for coarse language, occasional nongraphic adult themes, future drug usage & self-injury.**

_It is said that admiration is the state farthest from understanding with pity sliding in for a close second that is almost immediately followed by arrogance. _

**oOo**

Konoha ANBU changes you, they say. You can take a shinobi out of ANBU but you can't take ANBU out of a shinobi, they say.

It's brutal and inhumane, what they make you do there, the kinds of missions they send you on.

Brutal and inhumane.

87% of shinobi – male and female – that join ANBU quit within the first year. When they quit they are told to write up an opinion piece on their time in ANBU for new recruits to read and see what they'd be getting themselves into.

Because for some strange _strange_ reason, everybody thinks ANBU is the best place to be as a shinobi, and that everybody can handle the dirty side of ninja life.

_It changes you, whether you like yourself to begin with or not – _one person writes, a kunoichi who's life had been the epitome of perfection less than two years before but now the polar opposite of such.

_You will lose track of priorities – _another, Kakashi Hatake himself to be exact, writes; after his record breaking seven years in ANBU came to a close.

It is unanimously agreed that joining Konoha ANBU will change you – your priorities, your person, your life.

For those lacking intelligence regarding life (shinobi based or not), ANBU serves as a brutal wake-up call that leads to too many casualties to count. The remainder join the 87% that retire within a year of service.

It is, however, what happens to those who do not lack intelligence (shinobi based or not), when they join ANBU that is the true 'dirty work' of ninja life.

**oOo**

It is Sunday and Sakura Haruno is in pain. Not the physical sort that could be healed by her new shishou (the Hokage herself,) but more of a personal, _guttural_, _wrenching,_ pain that cascades throughout her chest.

Sasuke-kun (she knows she shouldn't think of him as Sasuke_-kun _ but does anyway) has been gone for a month now – he's not coming back. She tells herself that she should have hope that Naruto (who's just left the day before to train with the Toad Sage) will bring him back someday but, deep down, she doesn't.

She wasn't named the smartest kunoichi of her generation for nothing and now (without Sasuke to impede on that intelligence) her intelligent mind has begun to churn away at her life so far and how little she's done for herself – her village.

She suddenly feels quite useless, more than normally so because there is no Naruto or Sasuke-kun to pick up her slack with their psychological-problem-induced strength.

She's just too normal, too _civilian._

**oOo**

It is Sunday and Sakura Haruno is in pain. Not the physical sort that could be healed by her old shishou (the Hokage herself,) but more of a personal, _guttural, wrenching,_ pain that cascades throughout her chest.

In the past year she has become strong. Her shishou hailed her as a medical prodigy and she accepted the praise with due etiquette before asking to learn how to fight, really fight, for once in her life.

She wasn't looking for glamour, she was looking for strength, for the useless feeling in her gut to go away – even if only for a moment.

So she learned how to fight, how to weave and control her chakra perfectly to the point that the ground would shatter at her will. She learned just how precise chakra scalpels could be and silently thought of the variously sadistic forms they could take.

After the first six months of the past year she began to visit Anko Mitarashi for information on poisons – how to cure them is useless if you can't make them yourself – you can't kill someone with an antidote.

She moves out of her parents home and distances herself from her family altogether, with her lifestyle they could be targeted and they are only civilians and wouldn't last a minute against even a green genin.

At eight months, initially out of curiosity, she goes behind her shishou's back and starts to study seals – it is hard but her brain's been genetically predisposed to studying and eventually the theoretical glyph memorization and applications come with ease. Several modifications of the 'Creation Rebirth' seal hold residence on her left arm (hidden by a genjutsu because initially she was said to have an affinity for such and initial impressions were correct), and the two storage seals on her palms that make senbon storage much easier.

She doesn't tell her shishou how she feels herself falling inside at her uselessness, falling into herself and into how little she's done.

At the year mark she is promoted to chunin and feels nothing of the achievement, in her mind it isn't an achievement at all.

**oOo**

She is sent on mission after mission and they all seem useless (almost as useless as she is for actually doing the missions), escorts – glorified babysitting, seem to be her place of expertise but she doesn't want to escort some fat-assed prince whose never seen his own blood; she wants to do something that will help her village because at this point her village is all she really has.

She hasn't spoken to her friends in months and doesn't think she could hold a proper conversation if she tried. Kakashi-sensei (who she shouldn't think of as a sensei really… ever) seems to have fallen into himself and now is in a state reminiscent of that of when his teammates and sensei were killed (or so she is told)

At one year and two months she takes her first shopping trip since _they_ left her as she has finally come to notice that her body developed into adolescence (she is fourteen after all.) Looking in the mirror after buying new clothes that are tight around her newly existent breasts but not restricting, and black but not bland in her eyes; she makes another executive decision and after taking off her hitai-ate, tying it around her waist, and combing her hair to flatten it she dyes it dark brown.

There is no room for pink in a forest as a ninja.

When her (old) shishou sees her the next day she falls out of her chair in shock and sputters out several _why_'s before calming herself down.

"_I've come to ask for an ANBU registration form, shishou_," Sakura says

she watches her Hokage's eyes widen at the words but lower in defeat before giving her (now) former student the proper forms.

"_thank you – Hokage-sama."_

She doesn't know that after her application is accepted, Tsunade cries into her hidden sake bottle though, even if she did know, she probably wouldn't have understood.

That is her mental state at the time and that is why (from her carefully sequestered information) ANBU is the best place for her.

**oOo**

On her first day she takes the codename and mask Itachi – weasel – ignoring the knowledge that it is a rather taboo codename (right up there next to kitsune), and when she is told of the taboo she recants how ninja were not supposed to let their personal opinions become involved with the work and how they should just suck it up and let the past be the past rather than "_moping around like a bunch of pussies_."

The other ANBU liked her from that first impression – something she knew was a good thing because nothing, _nothing_ replaced first impressions in the minds of shinobi (an unspoken rule that the masses refuse to acknowledge.)

She doesn't flinch when she gets her ANBU tattoo on her right shoulder.

**oOo**

It is when she receives her first mission when she realizes how her (old) shishou – called _baa-chan_ by Naruto, was able to lead a successful village.

She realizes how her (old) shishou held the capabilities (in the palm of her hand) to be a complete and utter bitch and still sleep at night with or without the assistance of alcohol (though clearly she preferred with.)

It is when she receives her first mission that Sakura Haruno decides that _yes, I do respect my Hokage-sama,_ and incidentally it is during this same mission that she decides _yes, this is the place for my kind – my self._

Her first mission is with Crow and Tiger under the command of Captain Yamato. Crow might as well have been considered cannon fodder and is in need of a wake-up call that Tiger seems willing to initiate – Yamato-taichou stops him. Yamato-taichou seems to be a walking contradiction at first but his Mokuton skills are good and so Sakura follows his orders without question.

She is fourteen the first time she kills a man, except it is not a man but a boy – a sleeping boy – that has just graduated from his cradle. It's okay, it's alright, she sighs. The way she sees it, she's helped him out as his parents (her second and third kills) are hitting the floor less than a minute later.

The mission (which was to decimate a small town _suspected_ of housing missing nin) was a success though she had save Crow's life after the moron accidently poisoned himself – Crow no longer works with ANBU.

After her fist mission she sits on her Spartan bed tracing around the engravings of the porcelain weasel mask, staring at her (now) brown hair lying limply around her face and she smiles. A true and private smile that very few will ever see again.

For once, she doesn't feel useless; for once, the tickle of contentment makes itself known in the back of her not insubstantial mind.

**oOo**

the first time she fucks she is fifteen and it has been almost three years since _they_ left and she is now an ANBU squad captain. It is after a mission with an new, imported recruit named Sai that just looks exactly _exactly, _like Sasuke (her mental frame has long since lost the emotional capacity required to use the suffix 'kun') and she tells him that she _finds your art interesting,_ and is _curious as to how you can have no prevalent emotions but still consecrate art._ Because without the shallow clouds of ignorance obscuring her vision, she can see how unlike Sasuke this boy is and she instinctively wants to explore these differences.

Neither of them could say if they remembered who made the first move or even how, in the fog of pleasure, they ended up being found tangled in each other, unclothed, in a tree in the forest of death by one laughing Anko Mitarashi.

"_well don't you two just love to live dangerously"_ the snake mistress chuckled

Since then they (Sakura and Sai) have fucked twice a week – should their schedules allow it – with additional fucks penciled in when they've shared missions. They are not in a relationship as successful shinobi do have relationships but they pleasantly discuss meaningless matters (i.e. the weather) in the afterglow of procreation; only meaningless matters – nothing personal, _ever_.

**oOo**

It is after exactly two years and one month with ANBU that the Hokage calls her into her office, she doesn't know why and that bothers her slightly but in the end it is still her Hokage-sama so she must go.

She enters the office (idly noting how Hatake-san is sitting outside the window) – _you called for me, Hokage-sama? –_ and is told to wait, so she does and before long a white haired, tired-looking man steps through the window with a forced grin that fades when he sees Tsunade's expression directed toward her stolid form and, following his old team mate's gaze, her ANBU tattoo catching his eye, he notices her jade orbs he almost takes a step back in shock – suddenly, he understands and frowns slightly. If anything, Jiraiya understands regret.

Seconds later an orange and black blur is in the room talking quickly with exaggerated hand gestures, "_and then baa-chan, and then ero-sennin was like 'no, you couldn't possibly make it on time' and I was like 'hmph I'll do it for sure – believe it!"_

Naruto.

She doesn't make herself known – there is no point. Surprisingly (to herself) she does not feel any different with the blonde in the room, nor does she notice herself caring that he is 'back'. It will not affect her life, therefore it is inconsequential.

Five minutes later he notices her presence, _unfortunate detection skills_, she thinks; _"who's this, baa-chan?"_

Tsunade frowns,

Sakura decides she might as well introduce her own presence to her former team mate, "_don't you recognize me, Naruto?"... _he says nothing but squints slightly, "_it's me, Sakura."_

He makes a double take before promptly fainting.

**Dun dun DUN**

**This somehow has just been vomited from my fingertips in two hours – **

**I hope it's decent, I've never written a kindof-pro Sakura story.**

**reviews anyone?**

**by the way, Sakura's brown hair is very reminiscent of Rin's (from Kakashi Gaiden) brown hair.**

**bye now.**


End file.
